Domestic Abuse: The role of Churches, culture and parents according to Bukola Lameed

In truth, these three important cogs in the average Nigerian life tend to downplay these issues and engage in victim shaming and passive tacit permission to abusers

On August 25, 2018, Coventry University alumnus, family system engineering, emotional intelligence, cognitive behavior therapy and child mental wellness professional, Bukola — Bookie — Lameed, spoke to Vanguard Nigeria about her quest to right wrong against children through her non-governmental organization, Safety Republic and counseling, advocacy and training.

The problem

The media is filled with stories of domestic violence and child sexual abuse. Nigeria is characterized by sad stories and Pulse has reported these stories. Thus, it is no surprise that somebody has decided to take up this cause and aid the one who lack privilege.

 

Bookie, who grew up in a male dominated, Christian home says her interest was piqued after she went for her Masters degree in Environmental Management at Coventry University, United Kingdom, where she witnessed the freedom and greater willingness with which children communicate with elders — even the most sensitive issues.

She felt Nigerian children are not afforded the opportunity to communicate their problems, and that the avenue and encouragement are simply inexistent — she is right.

In her words, “In Nigeria, children are seen and taken as children while in the UK, children are taken as children growing up into adulthood. This means that children-adult relationship is very cordial.”

She continues, “There’s an element of disconnect between adults and children in Africa, unlike the UK where children share views freely with adults. In UK, they prepare them ahead of adolescent life while in Africa, we overlook and allow them to grow into it.”

Parents act shocked when they learn of abuse their children face because they focus more on material parenting that emotional painting and education to communicate outrageous, even when they are being threatened. Children will not communicate issues if they are not encouraged to speak up or don’t feel safe enough.

Asides that, culture clogs the judgement of Nigerian parents that they unknowingly engage in victim shaming and tacit permission to abusers, asides not even providing the platform which these children will comfort required to discuss sensitive and even random issues.

Bookie says, “When we say it is not what the children wear that attracts abusers, there’s a school of thought that oppose the assertion, saying what they wear has nothing to do with abusers’ mind, but that they are already prone to do it. Another case is the incestuous behavior of a father sleeping with a daughter. When we approached the family, the wife of the man was not in agreement with us, protecting the husband.”

ALSO READ: Father sleeps with daughter for 8 years, impregnates her

What is victim shaming?

It is quite simply an intentional or unintentional blame of a victim for their supposed parts in their own abuse, neglecting that abusers will abuse, regardless of encouragement. This inevitably lead to ‘tacit permission’ which is basically, endorsement of the weakness exploited by an abuser to occasion his act.

An example of tacit permission is when a parent or even ordinary people blame children for their freedom or style of dressing around their abusers and it is very unbecoming. What an abuser needs is sanctuary, not judgement. Three year old children are raped — it has nothing to do with how they dress. Abusers are disturbed individuals.

While sometimes, victims play a role by not recognizing patterns, their actions are within the confines of convenience and familiarity. It is the abusers who take advantage of these situations.

The role of churches, culture and parents

The churches sometimes engage in victim shaming, tacit permission to abusers, insufficient emotional parenting and sometimes, a questionable lack of rationality in their actions.

A child will be abused by their parents, some parents will call it a ‘family issue’ or, issues of abuse being treated by spirituality. On this, she says, “Another case is the incestuous behavior of a father sleeping with a daughter. When we approached the family, the wife of the man was not in agreement with us, protecting the husband. She said it is a family matter and she doesn’t want the public to hear about it — that is cultural.”
 
 The beauty of Religion and its alluring wonder in the face of reason, rationality and logic, but sometimes, these children need other issues attached. Churches also offer just solace and stability sometimes, when these victims need greater attention.

The idea worries Bookie, “We noticed that churches are living in denial. For things they are supposed to take action, they resort to praying. Everything is not about prayer and fasting.”

She continues, “Often times, most of the domestic challenges are temperamental. In resolving such matters what triggers each other’s temperament should be watched and be put in control. Prayer is good when the couples understand themselves very well.”

ALSO READ: Why we might need victim relocation program for victims of domestic violence and violent crimes
 
Safety Republic

Before Safety Republic, she worked for Black Diamond Support Foundations, Amazing Amazon Initiative (Women Empowerment Foundation). Niyola Care Foundation and Helpmate Foundation.

On what they do, Bookie says, “It is a huge project and cost effective. Although most of the counseling is done free but we render special services when consulted which is paid for. In choosing where we conduct counseling, we are very resolute about it. 
 
 “We do a random search online and select areas that we feel desire attention, mail them and carry out our services. A greater percentage of the areas we counseled call us back and that’s the positive result of what we are doing.” She continues.

Importantly on Safety Republic, she noted, “In Safety Republic, we don’t only create awareness; we extend it to prevention and also train parents on how to recognize abusers to safeguard children. Often times, abusers are not rapists. There is a grooming method they employ to lure the kids and these are what we teach to expose their antics.”